It has come to our attention that in this fast-paced electronic age, many words have completely different meanings then they once did. This is reminiscent of “lingo” developed in the 1960’s, when “cool” stopped specifying a temperature and started specifying an attitude and “groovy” became a term for an open-minded person rather than a poorly made cabinet.
Leaving aside Hip-Hop culture, which at this point employs a lexicon completely unrelated to English, we would like to focus on translating some of the more common “altered” words so as to avoid any potentially disastrous confusion on the part of our members.
“Friend” – This term, which used to imply someone with whom you had an intimate relationship based on mutual trust and understanding, now means potentially any person in the world ever, as long as you are in contact with them via an electronic networking tool such as Myspace or Facebook. By eliminating stumbling blocks such as intimacy, acquaintance, correspondence and dialogue we have drastically streamlined the process of friendship. While our grandparents couldn’t hope to have more than a dozen friends, we may have hundreds of thousands of friends at once, which serves to boost self-esteem while saving time.
NOTE: “Friend” has also become a verb, implying the act of contacting someone online, often the first step in a sexual conquest.
“I friended her the other night so I think pretty soon we’re gonna do it.”
“Oh yeah I friended the shit out of that bitch.”
“I friended all over her face.”
Women thrive on male attention like sexy zombies. Whether or not to pay them this attention is one of the few bargaining chips men have when dealing with women. A man only has a finite amount of energy to expend pretending to be interested in what women are saying, and it is vital that he reserve this energy for potential sexual conquests. One of the greatest crimes a woman can commit against mankind is to deliberately draw male attention by presenting the illusion of availability while their obligation to an unrevealed boyfriend makes them completely incapable of putting their vagina where their mouth is. The following video is intended to educate females in the avoidance of this very frustrating activity.
The last page on this blog, after everything dedicated to my various endeavors, is “OMFG.” This is my comedy blog based on a series of video sketches I started working on early in 2008. It’s the closest I can come to a gimmick, and it’s my hope that people will be able to relate to it on some level, or at least laugh and feel ashamed of themselves.
I’ve always thought that relationships are the most interesting thing in a very interesting world. There’s something about love that forces its way to the top of all our priority lists and at some point (or many points) throws us completely for a loop. There’s no other thing that is so compelling and yet makes people act so completely insane. Ok, maybe organized religion. I’ve always been a very self-analytical person, but when it comes to relationships, it doesn’t matter how much I analyze, I still act in ways that seem completely out of my control…both as an asshole and as a hopeless romantic.
So OMFG is my way of sending up the whole mess. It’s always safer to make fun of yourself, and I think the funniest thing about men is what pig-headed idiots they can be when it comes to love. I’m writing this disclaimer because the last thing I want is for a bunch as chauvinist morons to write me and tell me that I’m awesome. That would be worse than a feminist attacking me, thinking I was serious. It’s meant to be funny, while hopefully revealing some of our little social insanities. My honest feelings about the genders have already been best expressed by George Carlin: women are crazy and men are stupid, and the reason women are crazy is that men are so stupid.
My mother raised me to love and respect women, and since I was old enough to blow kisses the pursuit of an honest and fulfilling relationship has been my top priority.
But make no mistake.
They do trip.
OMFG is dedicated to raising awareness of the dehumanization, objectification and emotional castration of men by other genders. It is our goal to educate and empower our male members while discouraging our otherwise gendered members from continuing their patterns of harmful and socially destructive behavior. We consider ourselves a kind of social lubricant, smoothing the interaction between the noble, curving phallus and the harsh, sandy vagina.
OMFG’s Theory of Male Oppression is bases on several simple principles:
The Theory of Male Oppression
Of all genders, men are by far the most intellectually naive (i.e. stupid) and easily influenced by misleading words and overexposed body-parts (i.e. “cockteasery”)
Other genders can and do take advantage of this malleability, abusing men financially and emotionally for their own gain.
In post-feminist society, women have achieved independence and gained access to the same opportunities as men, while maintaining an antiquated notion of male servitude called “chivalry.”
Chivalry puts men in a constant position of servitude to other genders, forcing them to open doors, pay for drinks and defend them from physical assault.
This servitude comes from the pretense that women are in constant need of assistance because they are the “weaker sex.”
Therefore, men labor under the delusion that they are the dominant gender while women are clearly smarter, mature faster, have equal opportunities and if necessary can control half the population with their chests.
OMFG intends to free our male members from this chesty oppression by raising awareness of their situation and giving them the tools to fight it. We intend to sound the death knell of chivalry and instate social affirmative action to compensate for our malleability and intellectual shortcomings. We seek only equality and understanding from our members of other genders, and hope that through our education videos and instructional seminars we can come several steps closer to liberating and empowering disenfranchised males everywhere.
If you have discovered this blog in the heat of a sweaty-palmed search for suggestive pictures of a certain leggy blond, star of such fine films as “White Chicks” and “Cheaper by the Dozen 2,” you need to check your spelling. The actress in question uses the feminine version of our name, which places the “i” before the “m”. She can also be easily disguished by her wild success. While only three years older than myself, she has already achieved several of my personal life goals such as:
1) Staring in horror movies (”The Tripper,” “They Wait.”)
2) Staring in comic book movies (”Sin City,” “The Spirit.”)
3) Appearing in music videos.
4) Becoming the face of Rocawear.
5) Kicking heroin.
6) Fucking Kid Rock.
Suffice it to say that this bitch is ruining my career and I would totally boycot her if she wasn’t in such cool movies.
On a related topic, someone who should be boycotted if not assiassinated is Jamie King the choreographer who not only steals my exact spelling but also gets to hang out with Prince. Other assholes stealing my name include a British swimmer, some dude on “The Tudors” and a fictional Australian TV character.
Friends and Admirers,
Feast your eyes on the first words of the first post of my first blog ever. As I am a 76-old-men trapped in a 26-year-old body, I have long resisted carving out a presence for myself on the “world-wide web,” largely due to confusion and fear. However my desire to forge a career out of my self-indulgent hobbies has forced me to speak out.
I am originally from Washington State, but have lived in New York for the past 7 years. I came here to act, but have recently opened myself up to other hyper-competitive and unrealistic career paths such as music, writing and comedy. Right now these four activities take up the bulk of my free time while I earn my money as an administrative assistant. I would love to reverse this, to make my money doing something I’m passionate about and in my off hours indulge in some recreational administrating. So if you like what you see in these pages, please to not hesitate to offer me a high paying job as an actor, musician, or comedy writer. If you’re not in a position to do so, just enjoy. And send cash.